Cheick Kongo vs. Shane Carwin UFC 131 (What Were They Thinking?)

Cocaine is a hell of a drug

Cheick Kongo is rumored to fight Shane Carwin. In the mixed martial arts industry, there are these things called “tune-up” fights, match-ups that are handed out to top contenders who have recently lost. Shane Carwin recently lost to Brock Lesnar. It was less of a fight and more a case of  celebrity S&M as Carwin practically let Lesnar know that it was safe to mount and choke him. However, despite what we’d like to believe, Shane Carwin is no ordinary being. He finishes guys quick, knocks people out accidentally and has a tendency to beat men to undeath.

With that having been said, giving Cheick Kongo to Carwin for “tune-up” is like calling a happy ending a lobster-attack; inappropriate and hurtful to everyone that’s involved.

Let’s compare the two fighters.

Cheick Kongo is a tall, lean, black guy with versatile stand-up, a good clinch and passable anti-grappling antics.

Shane Carwin looks like a viking. He has three moves. A left, a right and uh, never mind. Just the two then.

Shit, I’d give it to Carwin.

No seriously though. Very few of Carwin’s fights have made it past the first round and save for his first loss to Lesnar, he’s knocked out everybody he’s come into contact with within the first 4 minutes. His fist is basically a magic wand that puts people to sleep.

zZz, see what I mean?

Cheick Kongo has more fights than Carwin, but c’mon he’s lost quite a few of them. One of his losses is to Gilbert Yvel, a man whose primary fighting method involves hitting referees and biting the ears off of unwilling men. Bereft of all sarcasm, I’m saying Yvel sucks, and Kongo got knocked out by that sucker.

Kongo however did take on and beat Mirko Cro Cop. It was a funny match-up. Cro Cop was doing relatively well in the first few minutes, mixing his solid boxing with his formerly-credible left high kick. But then it happened…

Mid-life crisis

Cro Cop got his balls smashed two or three times by Kongo and was given a generous 5 minutes to recover. These weren’t love taps either (as gross as that sounds now). These were man-sized field goal kicks that could put horses away for weeks. In other words, even though there were two men slugging it out inside The Octagon, there was a second if not better contest happening between penis and knee.

The knee won

What does this tell you? For the guy that “drawed” his last fight and submitted an obese crab in the one before that, what do you think is going on in Cheick Kongo’s mind?

Hmm...

Like a million times.

Kongo could probably land 6 or 7 knees to Carwin’s package before breaking his own foot, and he’d likely get away with it too seeing as how he’s handed the ref a 20 the night before. Don’t worry about it, they do this all the time.

I don’t really know what’s going to happen.

But I can guess. If Kongo can’t pull any of his $20 tricks come UFC 131, Carwin will probably take him out with a 1-2 punch combination and finish him off on the ground.

Check and mate.

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